more than anything

I loved you more than the ocean could love her waves.

I loved you more than the sun could love her rays.

I loved you more than a flower could love her petals.

I loved you more than a magnet could ever love metal.

I loved you more than I could have ever imagined loving.

And today, I love you more than I ever loved you before.

I miss you…

Tore my heart to stop you bleeding

But nothing will ever stop you from leaving

My mind said goodbye but my heart kept pleading

I want to hold you but your heart has her walls up

I told you always that I’m no good for you, but we kept going.

I can’t lose you, I can’t afford to lose your love or your brilliant mind

Let’s not say goodbye, let’s be better

Two humans who found home in each other is something worth fighting for…

Quiet on our own, you are my one.

My Hani.


There is really no way of describing the pain you feel.

It’s a pain, I can only imagine, that eats pieces of your heart, parts that cannot be recovered.

But with time, I hope you heal. Pieces can grow again. Something that’s broken can be fixed into something much more beautiful.

I can dwell on my pain or I can think about yours. I’m told to be selfish, yet in the same breath, told to create space.

No matter what I’ve experienced in life, this pain is something I could never have imagined.

But you have been here before and you know how to get through it. And you will, and not even look back once.

I’ll be left behind, guilty as charged, dying from regret.


No one ever can beam the way you do.

No one ever can love the way you do.

No one ever can care the way you do.


You had me since the day we first met.

The cold winter day in the middle of Plymouth.

The way you took my heart and filled it with love.

And the cuddles on the couch, where I felt at home.


Years have passed by and I am no longer 20

My grief shows in my mind and body

My family who loved me yet fled me.


Depression we call it, but I call it – surrender.

Surrender to my brain and the way it fizzes…

Surrender to the sound of all these voices…

Surrender to the memories of so long ago…


Why can’t I be loved for who I am

Why must I be more, or be this or that?

I’m done pretending that I am not hurt, for I feel broken.


No one can ever make me beam the way you do.

No one can ever love me the way you do.

No one can ever care for me the way you do.


You lost me when my mind said, “I need no one but me”.


It’s been a long time.

Much has changed but little has been gained.

My heart’s in the right place but my soul is unhappy.

When do I forget and let go of those who cannot give.

My standards are so low yet my pain threshold is unending.

Time is running away from me and I don’t have the energy to connect.

You have lost touch and I’m not entirely sure why.

Was it all just a story, all three played in our heads?


In love but at war

Writing is my therapist, my lover and the shoulder I cry on.

To write, I need pain. I need sadness.

To make my mind spin, I need sorrow. I need to worry.

To make me feel, I need tears. I need heartbreak.

But I am happy and content. I am in love. I feel devoted.

I feel so alive. I feel whole again.

Writing about happiness is something I have not yet explored.

Give me grief and I will give you a novel.

Give me love and I will give you silence.

I am not a love letter, I am a sad note.


Struggles with my writing is something I cannot explain. I tell you that I write my feelings and my “poems” are mostly emotional purges I have on really tough days.

But what happens when my days are tough but the need to purge is not there? Do I just let myself write erratically to see what falls out or do I wait until I am ready?

I’ve been worried that the need to let it out has gone into hibernation. The string that keeps me together at the seams has gone to sleep.

Do I hold back from thinking too much about it or do I ransack my mind to find the bits that make sense?

If I don’t find purpose soon I feel I may explode.





Mother, the thing you don’t understand is that you keep burning a hole in me when you tell me “I hope you end up lonely”.

You remind me of the future, a future you’ve predicted. “You’ll destroy your life but it’ll be too late. Tanya, who will love you when I die?”.

Question I want to ask you my dearest Amma is, do you love me now while you are still alive?